she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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