Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
zippers are such a cool invention
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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