mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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