i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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