You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
