At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize