toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
