Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
