That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
