I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
