ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
