She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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