someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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