I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
