She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
