i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
