I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
