there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
