so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
