im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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