so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
