I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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