So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
