I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
