Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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