Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
