You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i barfeds in our rink
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
