I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Kiss
Puke
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
