I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Dignity is for republicans.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
