we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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