i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
