I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
