mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
