did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
