I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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