I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize