Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
