I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
