I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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