You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
