mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
