My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
