Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
