While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
