I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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