Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
