I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
