alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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