she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
