Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
