Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
