Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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