I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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