i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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