Michael Bay diarrhea
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
