also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so let's talk penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
