now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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